Look out for Number One

Note from Kathleen: April is stress awareness month, so I’m excerpting chapters from my book, Ten Best Ways to Manage Stress. Maybe you’ll find some inspiration here.

It might seem like looking out for Number 1 means being selfish. That notion couldn’t be farther from the truth.

I was recently on a plane trip and before takeoff, the attendants performed the usual spiel about fastening seatbelts and how to use life vests and oxygen makes. I’ve heard it a thousand times and you probably have, too. But this time something got my attention. It was the part where they say that you should put your own oxygen mask on first if there is an emergency. No, don’t put the mask on your child or your elderly parent first. Why? Because if you pass out from lack of oxygen, who will be there to help them?

Think of it this way: If you’re sick, depressed or dysfunctional, how much good are you to your family? Ultimately, if you’re no longer around, what good are you to anyone?

Toxic stress takes a heavy toll on your health. The truth is plain and simple: If you don’t break the stress cycle, you have no future.

If you’re a giver and a doer and you give and give and do and do year in and year out, you’re depleting your natural reserves to the point where the reserves will be completely tapped out. Then where will you and your loved ones/co-workers/friends be?

In case you think I might be beating around the bush, I’ll tell you plain and simple: You’ll be dead and everyone else will be without you.

You must put yourself in the Number 1 position in order to discharge those hyperactive stress hormones and to re-charge your batteries so you can fight those saber-toothed tigers another day.

I can already hear the excuses why you can’t do the things I’m going to recommend in the coming chapters:

“I’m too busy to meditate.”

“I don’t have time to sit at the beach and sketch.”

“Breathe? Ha! If I weren’t breathing, I’d be dead.”

“I’m too tired to exercise.”

“Volunteer? Are you kidding? When would I do that?”

I recognize these excuses because I’ve made them myself. I also recognize them because they are the hallmarks of someone approaching burnout. They are danger signals. Pay attention.

No compromises on Me Time

Start today to carve out some time for yourself every day. Don’t let anything get in the way of your “me time.” Put it in your calendar and DO NOT COMPROMISE IN GUARDING THIS TIME FOR YOURSELF.

If that means you must get up earlier, so be it. If it means you need to come straight home from work, speak to no one, lock the bathroom door, draw a bath and spend some time soaking away the day’s stresses, do it.

“Me time” means time for you alone. It doesn’t count, even if you sit quietly on your deck with your spouse and listen to your favorite music. Why? Because you’ll find yourself looking at your spouse, thinking perhaps he looks tired or she has a headache or that the deck needs staining or that the rose bush needs pruning. You’ll think of some of those things anyway, but you must do it alone with no thought whatever of anyone or anything else.

I want to tell you about one of the most challenging spiritual practices ever given to me by my teachers. I was to sit for five minutes a day doing absolutely nothing. I was not to meditate, listen to music or do breathing exercises. All of those things are good, but doing nothing is so far outside my box and probably yours, too (or you wouldn’t be reading this book) that I found it immensely difficult.

I struggled, squirmed and looked at my watch a dozen times in those interminable five minutes every single day for two months. I argued with myself (and mentally with my spiritual teachers) that I was wasting my time, that I could be doing something more productive, that I was actually increasing my stress levels with this stupid “doing nothing” exercise.

Then one day I felt that resistance let go. It was almost like a rubber band snapped inside me. I finally and blissfully relaxed into the practice. Now I crave those five minutes of doing nothing. I have come to recognize that “doing nothing” is actually doing something profoundly productive. I’m releasing my toxic stress.

You don’t have to perform this rigorous exercise, but it is essential that you make Me Time to decompress and de-stress every single day. I won’t presume to tell you how much Me Time you need. You will recognize it when you carve out that time. You’ll feel your inner rubber band let go.

You might only need that five minutes of doing nothing. You might need an hour of unwinding before bed. Or you might only need 15 minutes with a cup of tea in the morning. You’ll also be surprised when you discover that taking those few precious minutes for yourself actually opens up more time in your day because you are more focused and more relaxed as you go about your daily work.

Here are the rules for Me Time:

1. You must do it by yourself.
2. You must do it every day without fail.
3. Me Time cannot involve any type of electronics. This means television, computers, phones in all forms.
4. Enlist the support of your family, if necessary, to respect your Me Time. You may need to work out a swap with your spouse if you have small children who need supervision or wait until they go to sleep.
5. Do not allow any interruptions. Turn off your phone. Don’t answer the door.
6. Your Me Time must involve doing something you love.
7. Schedule your Me Time in your calendar. Don’t let anything change your appointment with yourself.
8. If your family is open to the idea, you can have everyone have regular Me Time at the same time every day. That can help you avoid interruptions.
9. Schedule more time on weekends if you like, but you cannot diminish the time on weekdays.
10. Vary what you do during your Me Time so that it doesn’t become boring or stale.

Only by finding Me Time will you have the energy, patience and self-awareness you need to give to your family, friends, job, community.

Here’s some further reading to get you in the right mindset.

Need more advice on managing stress? I’ve got you covered.