I’m sure you‘ve heard of the “fight or flight” syndrome. That’s the response to a threat—real or imagined—that triggers the survival mechanism that floods your body with hormones and nerve stimulants. At that moment in time, there is nothing more important than survival. Nature shut down all non-essential body processes and prepared our ancestors to take on that saber-toothed tiger or run like hell. What need do you have to digest your food if you are about to be eaten? In the modern world, unrelieved stress, also called toxic stress, is the source of a great deal of disease.
But what if there was a kinder, gentler way to respond to stress?
There is. It’s called “tend and befriend,” a stress response that is almost exclusively the domain of women, which involves protecting the young and banding together for mutual defense.
Of course, the tending part of this syndrome is probably genetically ingrained to preserve our species. After all, if the women didn’t protect the young, pretty soon there wouldn’t be any more young and the human race would die out.
Throughout history, women have spent their childbearing years pregnant, breast feeding or caring for young children. In practical terms, it’s pretty difficult to fight an attacker or run from it with a flock of children in the picture. In fact, numerous studies show that a female of any species (think Bambi’s mom) will almost never leave her offspring behind, while males do not have that same bond.
As you might imagine, there’s a hormonal component here. While the high testosterone in men make them much more likely to fight aggressors, women have much, lower levels of testosterone and much higher levels of oxytocin, often called the “bonding hormone” that typifies female behavior much more often that male behavior (although both sexes manufacture this neurotransmitter in the brain) and manifests as feelings of trust and security. Research suggests that a testosterone flood in men cancels out the calming effects of oxytocin, while an estrogen flood increases the effects of oxytocin in women.
Tend and befriend is a new paradigm, an evolutionary shift, if you will, that adds a new dimension to the stress response, according to tis discoverer, UCLA psychologist Shelley Taylor, Ph.D.
Taylor noted that most of the early research on the stress response was conducted on men, which explains why the “tend and befriend” response wasn’t recognized until about 15 years ago.
“The social world is undeniably protective,” observed Taylor. “Ties with family and close friends are protective of physical health … [while] social isolation increases the risk for all causes of death, including heart disease, cancer, stroke, accidents or suicide.”
The outcome of the tend and befriend stress response is that women are less likely to hitch onto that chronic stress bandwagon from long-term elevated cortisol and adrenaline levels.
While our ancestors could chill out after that encounter with the saber—toothed tiger, in today’s world the stressors pile one on top of another all day long, and we rarely if ever, find the time to release the stress and return to a calm state.
Yes, men can and do tend and befriend, but for many, it can be a struggle. Sometime it’s a choice of mind over matter. In today’s world where we rarely encounter physical saber-toothed tigers, it’s also a matter of logic: What gets the best results? Banding together to fight those virtual tigers is a lot more effective than running to a cave or engaging in in endless combat.
I came across your article: Gentling Grief, and it knowd at me since I have it heavily on my mind ,to the point I’m physically ill, that I need to get away from my family;but they say I’m the one who is the cause of their dis-taine, they call me in the middle of the night say nasty things and hang up or I could be picking up my mother and my sister will say to the others not to come over because I’m their. I’m sick of this, I believe its called ‘toxic people’. I’ll admit I show my anger rather than speak it but my body language does show I’m sick of them or my mother will tell not to come around because the others are there, she says I should apologize to ‘them’ for ‘their’ offences.
I think it best I relocate to another country without telling them,mother encloded, so I can make my life not so tense or theirs not so, without my presents.
Please someone respond.
Do you respond to these Bloogges?
Dawna: This is beyond my area of expertise. It sounds like there is a serious problem here and I suggest that you and your family find some loving professional help.
I came across your article: Gentling Grief, and it knowd at me since I have it heavily on my mind ,to the point I’m physically ill, that I need to get away from my family;but they say I’m the one who is the cause of their dis-taine, they call me in the middle of the night say nasty things and hang up or I could be picking up my mother and my sister will say to the others not to come over because I’m their. I’m sick of this, I believe its called ‘toxic people’. I’ll admit I show my anger rather than speak it but my body language does show I’m sick of them or my mother will tell not to come around because the others are there, she says I should apologize to ‘them’ for ‘their’ offences.
I think it best I relocate to another country without telling them,mother encloded, so I can make my life not so tense or theirs not so, without my presents.
Please someone respond.
Do you respond to these Bloogges?
Dawna: This is beyond my area of expertise. It sounds like there is a serious problem here and I suggest that you and your family find some loving professional help.