Note: I wrote this article for Natural Awakenings magazine a few months back. It seems very appropriate in view of the deaths that many have so painfully suffered in recent months.
Grief can come suddenly as the result of an unexpected death, the loss of a job or a serious illness. Or grief can be a slow and torturous process: a long-term illness followed by death, a parent with Alzheimer’s, the death of a long-challenged relationship. Either way, grief inevitably takes a huge toll on the mourner.
“Grief is all of our thoughts and feelings. Mourning is when we put those thoughts and feelings into action by talking, crying, perhaps doing ritual,” explains Tracy Riley, LCSW, a grief counselor in Jacksonville, FL.
“It isn’t something that you will be over when you wake up one day,” Riley adds. “That’s why it is so ridiculous when an employer gives you three days off and expects everything to be fine. Time heals all wounds, but it doesn’t matter if it’s been five minutes or ten years since your loss, you can’t replace the loved one you lost and life will never be the same again.”
Experts agree that grief is an individualized process that takes us years to assimilate. There is no timeline. They also agree that we never “get over” our grief, but eventually most of us learn to live with loss.
“There are some things that can’t be fixed. Everything is not OK,” wrote Megan Devine, MA, a psychotherapist in Portland, OR, after she witnessed the drowning death of her fiancé.
“I didn’t need to hear platitudes about everything being OK in the end. I needed something solid to hold onto when the whole world exploded,” says Devine, author of Everything is Not Okay.
The physical toll
A sudden death or any emotional shock is an extreme stressor that causes the adrenal glands to release a flood of adrenaline. Think of that panicky moment of a near car crash and the adrenaline rush. Then multiply it by 100 and project it forward for weeks, months or even years.
People who suffer from intense grief after the death of a loved one sometimes experience extreme chest pain and think they are having heart attacks. In fact, they can be at risk of death themselves from cardiac arrest from “broken heart syndrome,” explains the National Institute of Health.
But scientists studying broken heart syndrome have found the condition may actually temporarily protect the heart from being overwhelmed with adrenaline.
Tina Erwin, a psychic based in La Mesa, CA, author of The Lightworker’s Guide to Healing Grief offers some insight:“When you get a shock if someone close to you dies, you are overwhelmed with adrenaline, much the same as people with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Your adrenal glands are blown out almost instantly. So you need to re-balance your body chemistry.”
“Healing the physical side of grief ultimately helps bring about healing on an emotional level, too,” says Erwin.
Erwin developed a set of tools for her own grief following the death of her 6-year old niece from a sudden and virulent infection.
At the top of her list of adrenaline reducers is Rescue Remedy, a Bach flower remedy for trauma that “re-balances the flood of adrenaline.”
She adds two other Bach flower remedies, Star of Bethlehem for shock and loss and Mimulus for fear and anxiety to enhance the effectiveness of Rescue Remedy for long-term use. “Combining a few drops of each of these in a water bottle or tea will help re-gain the balance,” Erwin says.
She also recommends blood cleansing noni juice, to help wash adrenaline out of the body and salt baths, enhanced with lavender essential oil, to literally help “wash away the darkness.”
Riley adds art therapy, journaling and music therapy as personally powerful healing tools. She sees her writing over the years as a “personal roadmap” to help her chart where she has been.
Animals can play a key role in the mourning process, says Riley, whose miniature schnauzer, Dexter, intuitively approaches her clients who are anxious and grieving and gives them permission to pet him. “It puts people at ease and then they can talk more freely about their pain.” Numerous studies starting in the 1980s show that petting a dog lowers blood pressure.
Charting a personal course
For those who are bereaved (which literally means “torn apart”), the symptoms of grief are meant to slow us down, says Alan Wolfelt, Ph.D., director of the Center for Loss and Transition in Ft. Collins, CO, author of numerous books on grief, including Understanding Your Grief: Ten Essential Touchstones for Finding Hope and Healing Your Heart.
Society expects bereaved people to “carry on, keep their chins up, be glad they had him/her as long as they did or be grateful his/her pain is over” — all platitudes that are more hurtful than helpful, says Wolfelt.
Mourning takes time, but it also requires a social context, explains Wolfelt. “Mourning is the shared response to loss. If you isolate yourself, you are grieving, not mourning. You can’t do this on your own. It’s bigger than you.”
For those who feel “stuck” or unable to move forward, experienced grief counselors may be able to help.
How to help a friend in mourning
Here’s some straightforward advice from licensed clinical counselor, writer and grief advocate, Megan Devine, for friends who want to help bereaved friends:
Don’t try to fix it:Your friend’s loss cannot be fixed or repaired or solved. The pain itself cannot be made better. Do not say anything that tries to fix the unfixable, and you will do just fine. It is an unfathomable relief to have a friend who does not try to take the pain away.
Grief belongs to the griever: You have a supporting role, not the central role, in your friend’s grief. Grief is a very personal experience, and belongs entirely to the person experiencing it.
Anticipate, don’t ask: Do not say “Call me if you need anything,” because your friend will not call. Not because she does not need help, but because identifying a need, figuring out who might fill that need and then making a phone call to ask is light years beyond her energy levels, capacity or interest. Instead, make concrete offers: “I will be there at 4 p.m. on Thursday to bring your recycling to the curb,” or “I will stop by each morning on my way to work and give the dog a quick walk.” Be reliable.
Be willing to witness searing, unbelievable pain: Simply be present, without trying to “fix” the unfixable.
Do the recurring things: The actual, heavy, real work of grieving is not something you can do, but you can lessen the burden of “normal” life requirements for your friend. Are there recurring tasks or chores that you might do? Things like walking the dog, refilling prescriptions, shoveling snow and bringing in the mail are all good choices. Support your friend in small, ordinary ways — these things are tangible evidence of love.
Stay present and state the truth:Stay present with your friend, even when the present is full of pain. Stick with the truth: “This hurts. I love you. I’m here.”
